Babies & Prophetic Dreams

When I was younger, I always knew that I was destined to be a Mom. More than just the biological drive or the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing - it was my purpose. I had an overwhelming feeling that my child was going to be influential in many people's lives. Along with this feeling came a sense of uneasiness. While I knew my child would be well known, I wasn't sure if it was because he was going to be a great world leader or a serial killer. I know that sounds strange - it felt very strange. I knew I would be a great Mom and do everything in my power to be sure that my child had a positive life outcome but I knew in my heart that no matter what I did, his destiny had been - to a certain extent - pre-determined by powers greater than mine.

It was quite the struggle bringing the idea of a child to fruition. As much as we tried, my wife and I just were not given the right equipment to make it happen naturally ;) We sought the assistance of some fantastic specialists and after many years of physical and emotional stress, we were overjoyed to bring our son into the world. He was born on President's Day and with a name like Jackson Daniel Hamilton, we decided we had a future President on our hands.

Several years ago I read of the vivid dream that Buddha's mother had one evening. One night, while asleep, the Buddha's Mother, Queen Maya, had a dream that she was being carried away by four devas to Lake Anotatta in the Himalayas. After bathing her in the lake, the devas clothed her and anointed her with perfumes and flowers. Soon after, a white elephant, holding a white lotus flower in its trunk, appeared and went round her three times, entering her womb through her right side. When the queen awoke she knew she had been delivered an important message, as the elephant is a symbol of greatness. According to Buddhist tradition, the Buddha-to-be was residing as a Bodhisattva, in the Tusita heaven, and decided to take the shape of a white elephant to be reborn on Earth for the last time.

Now, I'm no Virgin Mary or Queen Maya - far from it - but this story resonated with me. By the time I read the story of Buddha's Mother, we had received Jackson's diagnosis. We were still learning about Fragile X but I knew enough at the time to know that we did not, in fact, have a future president on our hands. We love our son and have very high hopes for him, but a serious political career is not one of them. 

Over the years I have felt more and more connected to this story and validated in my odd, youthful premonition. Jackson is the most amazing human being I have ever known. Sitting in the lobby yesterday at the Community Center, I watched through the glass as he had his private swimming lesson and I broke down into tears. Watching the pure joy on his face, knowing we are giving him every opportunity to experience the world, watching how hard he was working and loving every minute of it was just emotionally overwhelming.  I couldn't be more proud to be someone's Mom. 

There are lots of babies around these days. My brother and his wife just welcomed their first child, my best friend is expecting her first in October. We tried desperately to expand our family over the years with no success. With each pregnancy or birth announcement there comes a bitter sweet twinge of jealousy. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy that the ones I love get to experience this crazy roller coaster called parenthood - but until recently I still very much wanted it to be our turn again. 

After watching our amazing son in the pool yesterday and seeing how profoundly he has affected so many lives in the first 6 short years that he has been on this earth - I know now, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything is exactly as it should be.  

I am content with my gifts. 

Winning the War

As I rang in 2015, I made some promises to myself. NOT resolutions - promises. I promised myself that I would make healthy choices, take time to take care of ME, do more of what I loved, and challenge myself to be a better human being.

I am a woman. I am a Fragile X pre-mutation carrier. I am a Mom of a child with special needs. It has been easy to fall back on some of these facts and say…"I don't have time to work out", "I don't have the energy to work out", "I don't have enough money to buy all organic foods", "My depression/anxiety prevent me from doing x-y-z", "My metabolism is changing and I'm fighting a losing battle." I decided to silence that negative inner monologue and take the steps I knew I needed to in order to be a happier, healthier Mama.


Santa Claus was privy to my motivation to make some life changes and was kind enough to bring me the Focus T25 workout program for Christmas. I have been working out 25 minutes a day for 5 days a week for almost 5 weeks now. I have also challenged myself to start practicing Bikram yoga once a week. Most days I love getting my workout in as soon as I can. Some days I don't feel like doing it at all - but I do. I am keeping these promises to myself.




I have done, and will continue to do, a lot of work on my emotional relationship with food. It isn't easy to dig deep into your own psyche and ask the difficult questions. Emotions can be icky and often aren't easy to identify and label, much less accept and acknowledge. This is an emotional journey as much as a physical one.

Like many women, I am plagued with a poor body image. I hate my body. I don't like looking at it. I feel very disconnected from it most of the time. In my head, I'm a cute little petite thing that looks great in any outfit I try on. The mirror tells a different story. As I get older and continue to carry extra weight, I am at risk for developing a whole host of conditions: high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, etc. Not only will the choices I make affect my health, they will affect my family's well-being. Even if I didn't have the strength to make some positive changes for myself, I knew I had to make them for my wife and son. They deserve the best Mama I can be and if I am sick or gone I have failed them.

So I am doing this. Taking care of myself. I have been surprised to find that I can eat what I love and feel great about my choices. Getting into a routine has been easier than I imagined. I LOVE Bikram yoga and despite what I had built up in my head, I do not look like a complete moron while doing it and no one has laughed at me! There will be challenges and set backs. I actually gained a pound this week - BOO! But I will maintain my focus and keep the big picture in mind. I am so fortunate to have the support of my family and friends and could not do any of this without them. Together we will win this war!